Artist Statement
While writing this poem, I have encountered many obstacles and many forms of inspiration. One of the biggest inspirational texts I used while writing this poem was a poem called Dulce et Decorum Est, which was one we not only read, but analyzed as a group during class via seminar. This poem basically took the concept of the honor behind fighting and dying for your country, and puts it into a completely different context. It uses sarcasm and borderline satire to describe the fact that it is, in fact, not honorable to die for your country. And it did this by describing, in a very interesting and figurative way, how horrible being involved in the war actually is. So, after having extensively analyzed Dulce et Decorum Est, I decided to shape my poem in a similar way; by describing the tragedy behind war, and making it seem like more of a negative trait to humanity as a whole, not so much as something we may pride ourselves on.
So, with this format I decided I would follow throughout my poem, I was able to get started. At first, it was pretty easy, being able to provide the reader with an image of what had been lost for soldiers in a war, and yet, I noticed later on that it was actually very tough to make the rest of the poem flow. What I decided to do was keep writing to get all of the ideas I had down so I wouldn’t throw out anything I might decide to use later.
When I looked at the first draft of my poem, there were some obvious revisions I would need to make. One of the biggest errors I noticed I made during the creation of the poem was in relation to sentence flow. A lot of the poem itself actually didn’t make sense, and lacked a lot of structure. To fix this problem, I read it several times in my head and revised it based on what sounded correct. Furthermore, I noticed that my poem lacked the tone I was trying to portray throughout. In the creation of my poem, I had wanted to express a very sad, or pained tone. Almost as if the soldiers were completely at loss with whom they were anymore. I later decided to completely reword the poem, and the affect it had still wasn’t enough. Some stanzas seemed to be still weaker than others. Those that were weaker I had just decided to use more powerful, or meaningful, language. In addition, I decided to entirely restart all weak stanzas, but still follow the idea I was trying to portray in each. The result was surprisingly better.
After having revised all of the stanzas I needed to, I just wanted to further amplify the message of my poem, the general message being, “War makes us lose everything down to our sanity”. This was the main source of structure for my poem, and it is what made it what it is now.
So, with this format I decided I would follow throughout my poem, I was able to get started. At first, it was pretty easy, being able to provide the reader with an image of what had been lost for soldiers in a war, and yet, I noticed later on that it was actually very tough to make the rest of the poem flow. What I decided to do was keep writing to get all of the ideas I had down so I wouldn’t throw out anything I might decide to use later.
When I looked at the first draft of my poem, there were some obvious revisions I would need to make. One of the biggest errors I noticed I made during the creation of the poem was in relation to sentence flow. A lot of the poem itself actually didn’t make sense, and lacked a lot of structure. To fix this problem, I read it several times in my head and revised it based on what sounded correct. Furthermore, I noticed that my poem lacked the tone I was trying to portray throughout. In the creation of my poem, I had wanted to express a very sad, or pained tone. Almost as if the soldiers were completely at loss with whom they were anymore. I later decided to completely reword the poem, and the affect it had still wasn’t enough. Some stanzas seemed to be still weaker than others. Those that were weaker I had just decided to use more powerful, or meaningful, language. In addition, I decided to entirely restart all weak stanzas, but still follow the idea I was trying to portray in each. The result was surprisingly better.
After having revised all of the stanzas I needed to, I just wanted to further amplify the message of my poem, the general message being, “War makes us lose everything down to our sanity”. This was the main source of structure for my poem, and it is what made it what it is now.
War Poem Final Draft
What was originally
The soaked sponge
Of our memory
Became dry again,
As we came to lose
All grasp of what was home.
So was this home,
Was it just temporary?
Was it our grave?
Questions that I’ve
Never before considered,
Since everything changed.
When house was replaced
By barracks,
When love was replaced
By fate,
When family was replaced
By comrades,
When even memory
Was replaced by the
Solitude I came to know
Within the trenches,
But I had no time to consider
What I had become,
Because all that was
Important at that time
Was survival, and the
Only recognition I came
To make was the value
Of life; so precious.
In this war, I have lost.
I have lost the peace of mind
That gives my sanity
The gravitational force it needs
To keep from floating
Away from me.
And yet the worst is to come,
When I take my leave.
Because I know that now
My objective is to survive,
But when I return home,
It will be to regain clarity
Clarity that was not insured
When I enlisted.
Clarity that I may never
Experience again.
Clarity that I didn’t realize was there
Until it had been lost.
It is to our infortune,
Finding ourselves in this war,
After having spent our lives
Seeking the gates of heaven,
Only to find ourselves behind
The gates of hell itself.
Yet in the war we are not
Lost, instead guided by
Our superiors along
A path ahead of us,
Set ablaze, fueled
By our vulnerable souls.
What was originally
The soaked sponge
Of our memory
Became dry again,
As we came to lose
All grasp of what was home.
So was this home,
Was it just temporary?
Was it our grave?
Questions that I’ve
Never before considered,
Since everything changed.
When house was replaced
By barracks,
When love was replaced
By fate,
When family was replaced
By comrades,
When even memory
Was replaced by the
Solitude I came to know
Within the trenches,
But I had no time to consider
What I had become,
Because all that was
Important at that time
Was survival, and the
Only recognition I came
To make was the value
Of life; so precious.
In this war, I have lost.
I have lost the peace of mind
That gives my sanity
The gravitational force it needs
To keep from floating
Away from me.
And yet the worst is to come,
When I take my leave.
Because I know that now
My objective is to survive,
But when I return home,
It will be to regain clarity
Clarity that was not insured
When I enlisted.
Clarity that I may never
Experience again.
Clarity that I didn’t realize was there
Until it had been lost.
It is to our infortune,
Finding ourselves in this war,
After having spent our lives
Seeking the gates of heaven,
Only to find ourselves behind
The gates of hell itself.
Yet in the war we are not
Lost, instead guided by
Our superiors along
A path ahead of us,
Set ablaze, fueled
By our vulnerable souls.
Reflection of my Growth as a Poet
1. How has the perspective you communicate in your poem shifted or grown in sophistication from your
earlier drafts to your final draft?
In the earlier drafts of my poem, I have found that I didn't really do a thorough job of describing what the issues presented with the idea of going to war were, and as a whole, it affected my poem negatively. So, to try to polish these descriptions, in my later drafts, I expressed more thoroughly what aspects of going to war really affected the soldiers involved, and how horrific and devastating they can be. In addition, I took in some ideas and other aspects that were important in providing a description of why war is so terrible, such as the message that war leaves this mental "crater" when the soldiers return home, and it is not mendable, but instead is a part of them forever. This idea later became one of the focusing points I made in my poem, along with the idea that soldiers involved had lost the clarity that they had before they were recruited. One could say that I mainly focused on the personal and mental effect war has on our minds, and I believe this was a great aspect of my final poem, while it wasn't so evident in my first drafts. Still, there were traces of these ideas in the first drafts of my poem that I was able to grow off of, and use to make my poem flourish in the way I wanted it to. To make my poem do so, I simply expanded on the ideas earlier presented with the use of a few poetic devices. Finally, after expanding the areas of my first drafts I wanted to further express, and enlightening the perspectives of new, equally important pieces of my poem, I was left with a final product I could be proud of.
2. What are the three most important changes you made between early drafts of your poem and the
final draft?
a) One of the major changes I decided I needed to make about the first draft of my poem was the very opening stanza. Not only was it lacking in depth, but the first few words were almost too sudden, made the poem seem choppy from the beginning, and drastically took away from the flow. It just didn't fit with the way I wanted the rest of the poem to go. Here is the stanza from my first draft, unedited:
I had been recruited.
Was it just temporary?
Was war my grave?
Questions that I’ve
Never before considered,
Until everything changed.
As is evident in this stanza, the start to my poem has already begun an unclear path as to where the poem is going, being that it leads into these ideas too quickly, and leaves little chance for a buildup or turn later in the poem. To help relieve this, I revised it in my final draft as you can see here:
What was originally
The soaked sponge
Of our memory
Became dry again,
As we came to lose
All grasp of what was home.
So was this home,
Was it just temporary?
Was it our grave?
Questions that I’ve
Never before considered,
Since everything changed.
I believe making this change helped improve the emotional characteristics of my poem, because I added the idea that soldiers had lost their mentality in the war, and this change really helped the poem generally by giving it better flow. I divided the first stanza into 2, replacing the first sentence with something more emotionally connected. Overall, this was a great help for my poem, because a good, strong start is very important in a poem like this.
b) Another big change I was compelled to make involved the expansion of some ideas previously presented in the earlier drafts of my poem. With these expansions, I added more background ideas and structural phrases important to the body of the poem, as well as the flow and imagery I wanted to implement throughout the poem. You can see me make this change to this early, unedited stanza:
In this war, I have lost.
I have lost the peace of mind
That gives my sanity
The gravitational force it needs
To keep from floating
Away from me.
When I looked at this stanza while reading over the draft, I realized it didn't really do what I wanted it to in regards to the imagery of the poem. The stanza itself seems pretty well-worded, and yet it could use more, as I gave it in the edited version here:
When house was replaced
By barracks,
When love was replaced
By fate,
When family was replaced
By comrades,
When even memory
Was replaced by the
Solitude I came to know
Within the trenches,
But I had no time to consider
What I had become,
So, after again expanding the original stanza into 2, I achieved a more thoroughly-structured, well-flowing portion of my poem, and the change itself helped add onto the imagery needed to make my poem unique.
c) A further change I made to the first drafts of my poem included introducing more ideas that would help the poem embrace more aspects that should be considered when mentioning the horror of war. I made this change, because originally, the poem was too direct on the same idea, and almost seemed repetitive in areas, making it uninteresting. I wanted to ease this problem, and decided to include another idea for the reader to recognize. Here is the unedited, original version of an example where I made this change:
And yet,
I know only the least.
Because I know that now
My objective is to survive,
But when I return home,
It will be to regain clarity
Clarity that was uninsured
When I enlisted.
Clarity that I may never
Experience again.
Clarity that I didn’t realize was there
Until it had been lost.
This idea had been expressed well enough throughout the poem at this point, and I wanted to lead the poem in a different, yet relatable, direction. To do so, I added on the following lines in 2 stanzas:
And yet the worst is to come,
When I take my leave.
Because I know that now
My objective is to survive,
But when I return home,
It will be to regain clarity
Clarity that was not insured
When I enlisted.
Clarity that I may never
Experience again.
Clarity that I didn’t realize was there
Until it had been lost.
It is to our infortune,
Finding ourselves in this war,
After having spent our lives
Seeking the gates of heaven,
Only to find ourselves behind
The gates of hell itself.
Yet in the war we are not
Lost, instead guided by
Our superiors along
A path ahead of us,
Set ablaze, fueled
By our vulnerable souls.
This change, I believe, added to the idea that soldiers experience extreme disparity in the war between what they had expected to do with their lives, and what they actually ended up with. It also introduces the fact that soldiers experience desperation of a serious extent, to return to the way they once were. This change overall affected the intelectual message of my poem, introducing background ideas and contrast between the expected and reality.
earlier drafts to your final draft?
In the earlier drafts of my poem, I have found that I didn't really do a thorough job of describing what the issues presented with the idea of going to war were, and as a whole, it affected my poem negatively. So, to try to polish these descriptions, in my later drafts, I expressed more thoroughly what aspects of going to war really affected the soldiers involved, and how horrific and devastating they can be. In addition, I took in some ideas and other aspects that were important in providing a description of why war is so terrible, such as the message that war leaves this mental "crater" when the soldiers return home, and it is not mendable, but instead is a part of them forever. This idea later became one of the focusing points I made in my poem, along with the idea that soldiers involved had lost the clarity that they had before they were recruited. One could say that I mainly focused on the personal and mental effect war has on our minds, and I believe this was a great aspect of my final poem, while it wasn't so evident in my first drafts. Still, there were traces of these ideas in the first drafts of my poem that I was able to grow off of, and use to make my poem flourish in the way I wanted it to. To make my poem do so, I simply expanded on the ideas earlier presented with the use of a few poetic devices. Finally, after expanding the areas of my first drafts I wanted to further express, and enlightening the perspectives of new, equally important pieces of my poem, I was left with a final product I could be proud of.
2. What are the three most important changes you made between early drafts of your poem and the
final draft?
a) One of the major changes I decided I needed to make about the first draft of my poem was the very opening stanza. Not only was it lacking in depth, but the first few words were almost too sudden, made the poem seem choppy from the beginning, and drastically took away from the flow. It just didn't fit with the way I wanted the rest of the poem to go. Here is the stanza from my first draft, unedited:
I had been recruited.
Was it just temporary?
Was war my grave?
Questions that I’ve
Never before considered,
Until everything changed.
As is evident in this stanza, the start to my poem has already begun an unclear path as to where the poem is going, being that it leads into these ideas too quickly, and leaves little chance for a buildup or turn later in the poem. To help relieve this, I revised it in my final draft as you can see here:
What was originally
The soaked sponge
Of our memory
Became dry again,
As we came to lose
All grasp of what was home.
So was this home,
Was it just temporary?
Was it our grave?
Questions that I’ve
Never before considered,
Since everything changed.
I believe making this change helped improve the emotional characteristics of my poem, because I added the idea that soldiers had lost their mentality in the war, and this change really helped the poem generally by giving it better flow. I divided the first stanza into 2, replacing the first sentence with something more emotionally connected. Overall, this was a great help for my poem, because a good, strong start is very important in a poem like this.
b) Another big change I was compelled to make involved the expansion of some ideas previously presented in the earlier drafts of my poem. With these expansions, I added more background ideas and structural phrases important to the body of the poem, as well as the flow and imagery I wanted to implement throughout the poem. You can see me make this change to this early, unedited stanza:
In this war, I have lost.
I have lost the peace of mind
That gives my sanity
The gravitational force it needs
To keep from floating
Away from me.
When I looked at this stanza while reading over the draft, I realized it didn't really do what I wanted it to in regards to the imagery of the poem. The stanza itself seems pretty well-worded, and yet it could use more, as I gave it in the edited version here:
When house was replaced
By barracks,
When love was replaced
By fate,
When family was replaced
By comrades,
When even memory
Was replaced by the
Solitude I came to know
Within the trenches,
But I had no time to consider
What I had become,
So, after again expanding the original stanza into 2, I achieved a more thoroughly-structured, well-flowing portion of my poem, and the change itself helped add onto the imagery needed to make my poem unique.
c) A further change I made to the first drafts of my poem included introducing more ideas that would help the poem embrace more aspects that should be considered when mentioning the horror of war. I made this change, because originally, the poem was too direct on the same idea, and almost seemed repetitive in areas, making it uninteresting. I wanted to ease this problem, and decided to include another idea for the reader to recognize. Here is the unedited, original version of an example where I made this change:
And yet,
I know only the least.
Because I know that now
My objective is to survive,
But when I return home,
It will be to regain clarity
Clarity that was uninsured
When I enlisted.
Clarity that I may never
Experience again.
Clarity that I didn’t realize was there
Until it had been lost.
This idea had been expressed well enough throughout the poem at this point, and I wanted to lead the poem in a different, yet relatable, direction. To do so, I added on the following lines in 2 stanzas:
And yet the worst is to come,
When I take my leave.
Because I know that now
My objective is to survive,
But when I return home,
It will be to regain clarity
Clarity that was not insured
When I enlisted.
Clarity that I may never
Experience again.
Clarity that I didn’t realize was there
Until it had been lost.
It is to our infortune,
Finding ourselves in this war,
After having spent our lives
Seeking the gates of heaven,
Only to find ourselves behind
The gates of hell itself.
Yet in the war we are not
Lost, instead guided by
Our superiors along
A path ahead of us,
Set ablaze, fueled
By our vulnerable souls.
This change, I believe, added to the idea that soldiers experience extreme disparity in the war between what they had expected to do with their lives, and what they actually ended up with. It also introduces the fact that soldiers experience desperation of a serious extent, to return to the way they once were. This change overall affected the intelectual message of my poem, introducing background ideas and contrast between the expected and reality.